Lucky in Love Meets Cautious Online

As if looking for love weren't intimidating enough, online dating can have shattering consequences. Take Carole Markin, a TV producer in Hollywood who recently sued a dating website claiming she was brutally attacked at her home by a man she met online who, she later discovered, was a convicted sex offender. Thankfully, Markin's experience is not the norm, but it contains lessons for online daters.

Meeting someone in cyberspace is significantly different from meeting someone in person. In the real world, your dating “site” is made up of friends, co-workers, family and acquaintances. While this network of “real” people doesn't ensure that you'll never have a bad date, having that personal and human connection is vitally important.

Seeing the whites of their eyes might be a cliche, but it's a cliche because it remains relevant. It gives you a sense of the person. Because we don't have the benefit of that personal contact online, there are some extra safety measures that need to be taken.

In the real world, you might meet potential dates at parties or bars, and often go out on group or double dates. You are in the unfortunate position online of not having enough information to determine whether you should trust the information you have. Can you trust that the picture really is of that person, that the person is even real to begin with and that all the person's information and communications are legitimate?

A safe encounter can often depend on a safe dating website. Not all sites are created equal. Here are some questions to ask to help find a site that is right for you:

Does the site screen-vet candidates?

How does the site lower the chances of abuse?

How does the site handle abuse if it happens?

Do the terms of service allow explicit content?

Does the site review webcams, chats and videos?

Does the site provide users with tips on how to safely and successfully navigate the site to avoid predators and scammers?

Does the site provide an emergency phone number?

Does the site run all users through a registered sex offender database such as SSP Blue's RSO SAFE?

It's comforting to think that everyone on dating sites is just as earnest as you are: looking for love and hoping to find a soul mate. Sadly, even the online dating world has scammers.

One of the more common scams involves a lovely woman with a gorgeous photo looking for a new love in America. Her story is a poignant one: no family to speak of, a big heart, a desire to see men she meets online. Eventually, this woman asks for money, perhaps to help with a ticket or because she has been detained trying to leave her home country.

The man wires her money, and then she disappears. This is disheartening, heartbreaking and all too frequent. This is one of many scams. Learn more here.

If you wind up making an online connection and want to meet in person, meet in a public place, preferably well-lit, familiar to you and in an area with which you are comfortable. While these suggestions apply strongly to women, men would do well to take note as well. Predators and scammers are not all men.

Engaging in safe dating online, in some ways, is no different from dating safely in person. But because you can't see the whites of his or her eyes online, your own eyes and ears need to exercise extra precaution.

For more info on Hemu’s role as a Web Avenger for ABC News 20/20 new special We Find Them, check out this site.

The Bachelorette and Table for Two Please

Did you watch this week’s final episode of The Bachelorette?  Ashley finally chose the bachelor she wants to spend the rest of her life with…and he chose her too.  Even though the season started back in May and finished in August, the actual events that took place happened over a mere 6 weeks or less.  If we count the actual time spent with her now fiancé, JP, we might even say it happened in less than 48 hours or perhaps 24 hours. And wow, where did these life long, you are my soul mate for life, events take place – in perfectly choreographed, exquisitely selected destinations like fancy restaurants, beaches, helicopters, nightclubs, resorts, and skyscrapers around the world (just to name a few).  And wow, the number of bachelors Ashley fell for in just the same short amount of time, who were perfect for her, ranged anywhere from 6 at a time to 2 before she finally chose the one her sister didn’t think was right for her in the real world.

So why are we talking about how quickly and where Ashley found her soul mate in a blog about the Internet?  Many of us have been lulled into using the power of technology and its ability to connect us quickly to replace the power of true human interaction that develops into the true human bond over long periods of time.  We text instead of calling, we email instead of visiting, we IM instead of dropping by, and we order online instead of going to the mall with friends to stroll, chat, and gossip.  Ashley did something very similar when she used the perfect dates, the perfect scenery, the perfect food, the perfect beaches, the perfect hotels and hot tubs, and the perfect resorts in place of the slowly orchestrated music that comes from a courtship choreographed over time.

Isn’t it time that we all power down, slow down, and breath in the world around us – the real world full of real people with real stories to be told and passed on to those who follow-us?

Until next time when you go online and read another article from me, enjoy some special time with someone special.  Table for two please.

See also Hemu’s other blogs on The Bachelorette here.

The Bachelorette and The Illusion of Reality

Did you watch this week’s episode of The Bachelorette? Ashley and the remaining three bachelors escaped to the Fiji Islands, one of the most perfect vacation spots in the world, where Ashley talked repeatedly about just how perfect everything was there. She even talked about just how perfect each bachelor was for her and just how perfect their final dates were (except of course Constantine who decided that despite the perfection, he wasn’t feeling it for Ashley). With every scene we heard the word perfect more times than we heard the word amazing in the previous episodes. Ashley also talked about how protected she felt in her perfect surroundings. And amidst all this talk of perfection, Ashley set about to make one of the most important decisions of her life, her real life – a life that would not be protected by the perfection of the beautifully isolated Fiji Islands.

Including visiting cialis bathtub meme sites of interest and in many does generic cialis work cases a lack of privacy in the internet. Input, listens to cialis dosing what.

So why are we talking about the most perfect vacation spot in the world in an article about the Internet? In numerous ways, Ashley’s comments about the Fiji Islands and how protected and perfect she felt there could have just as well been about the Internet.

Again and again, we go online with the sense that we are entering a protected space where everything can be perfect. We feel a sense of security that empowers us to make decisions online that will affect our real lives. We do it often based on whatever ‘perfect’ reality is either presented to us or we have chosen to imagine. And we feel quite protected when we do. But sooner or later, our decisions online affect our lives offline. Recognizing, understanding, and then being keenly aware of this fact might be perhaps one of the greatest challenges of the digital century. Every step we take, every decision we make online will live with us offline, sometimes forever.

So, next time you go online to interact with others and find love, take a moment to look up from your keyboard to remind yourself that you’re not in Fiji. The life you live in outside the Internet is the life you must embrace, filled with ups and downs, perfection and imperfection, happiness and sadness. It is what your real life is all about.

Until next week’s episode, keep in mind that Fiji is a place you go after you’ve made some of the most important decisions of your life.

See also Hemu’s other blogs on The Bachelorette here.

The Bachelorette and the Search for the Perfect Resume

Have you caught the last two episodes of The Bachelorette? Ashley has continued to talk about Bentley, and like many of you, I’ve been counting the number of times she says Bentley’s name per episode. Interspersed in all this talk of Bentley, something else very business-like about this process has emerged. Perhaps it is because ABC News 20/20 just aired a special called We Find Them that covered online dating scams, and that I have the honor of serving as one of ABC News 20/20’s “Web Avengers.” We Find Them showcased how innocent women were developing ‘feelings’ for men they had ‘met’ online. These feelings were based on photos, words in the profile, online chats, and sometime even phone calls, but never an in-person encounter. All of which led them to be scammed into giving up money to a complete stranger thousands of miles away that they had never even had a first date with. Turn now to Ashley and the remaining bachelors. All of them are talking more and more about visible signs of interest – signs they can see in their real word encounters. Ashley looks happier, she looks like she’s here in the moment, she acts as if she’s interested. This holds true for the guys as well. They are all past the stage of talking about where they are from, what jobs they have had, and who they have dated in the past. The resumes have been thoroughly reviewed and now all attention is directly focused on the interaction between our Bachelorette and each Bachelor.

So why are we talking about reviewing resumes and these real world interactions? When we set out to hire someone for a job opening, the first thing we do is review their resume. We look at prior education, work experience, special skills, and past successes. The more we look at certain resumes the more we develop a certain ‘feeling’ towards a candidate (the bachelor, the online dating profile). And yet, we will NEVER EVER hire a person based on their resume or profile. We’ll call them on the phone and screen them asking all sorts of questions looking for signs of danger as well as the right fit. Then we will meet them in person and grill them with questions to see how they do under pressure, how much they are into you as you are into them, how personable and likeable they remain as they stick to their well-prepared talking points. Then we will have our colleagues meet them and do the same thing. We will even share a meal or two. We will then go through a similar process with several other candidates. And when we think we have found the right one, we’ll call their prior employers and ask more questions. Finally, we will make a decision. This is the person we want to date and build a relationship with – this is the person we are going to hire. We will call them and hope our final choice says the same in return. Yes, I would like to start a relationship with you, too – yes, I would like the job.

Step back and take a look. Aren’t online and real world dating just like hiring someone at work?

As the Founder and CEO of SSP Blue, an online safety strategy company, I find myself going through this same process each time I choose a partner to work with.

So when you embark on your next dating adventure, think of where you are in the hiring process. It will help balance the emotional with the rational side of love and happiness.

Let’s see what lessons about the business and digital worlds next week’s episode of The Bachelorette brings.

Until then, just remember – sometimes the business world can give you answers about love.

For more info on Hemu’s role as a Web Avenger for ABC News 20/20 new special We Find Them, check out this site.

The Bachelorette and the Hope of Truth

Did you see The Bachelorette this week? Ashley spent the entire time talking about how much she missed Bentley, almost to the point that we were ready to hit the off button on our remotes.  But, like me, I am sure you stuck it out.  And if you listened carefully, caught between the ramblings about Bentley was some thoughtful discussion about truth, hope, and happiness.  Ashley’s 1:1 date with Constantine got rained out, so the couple did what most would do in real life.  They talked, walked, shopped, ate, and talked some more.  They talked about how great a feeling can come from being honest and truthful in relationship.  They talked of the bond that occurs when two individuals open up and share their true intentions and feelings, when they divulge real facts without hiding behind some cloak of fiction.  By the end of the date, Ashley relayed how she was once again feeling a sense of happiness and hope in finding love, especially if all the bachelors would truly open up and share who they really are.

So why are we talking about truth and honesty and hope and happiness? The Internet is a living thing that reflects the soul of our society.  The reverse is just as true.  Our society reflects how we are online – it showcases our hopes and desires as well as our faults and challenges. Together, society and the Internet have become our life, our true self.  With this backdrop, let’s imagine what a life we all could live if we were truthful, open, and honest about who we really are whether it was online or off.  In the real world when we are asked our name, we tell people what it is.  We’ll even do it at the Starbucks counter when ordering a venti drip.  And, yet, how often do we change that and many other pieces of information that follow just because there is a computer screen separating us from the person on the other side – even if it is someone we eventually want to meet in the real world and fall in love with?

Hope and happiness come from truth, online and offline.  A life based on truth makes for a wonderful world.

Let’s see what lessons about the digital world next week’s episode of The Bachelorette brings.

Until then, just remember – when we tell it like it is, we become a happier world.

The Bachelorette and the Stage of Life

Did you watch last night’s episode of The Bachelorette which ended with an interview with previous season’s bachelorette Emily Maynard? Emily talked openly about her struggles with Bachelor Brad Womack and confirmed the end of their relationship. Amid the tears and knee-jerk moments, Emily repeated quite a few times how much she had gone into the show with the hope that she would find true love forever. She talked of her excitement as the television season had progressed, and how she had gotten the perfect marriage proposal from Brad at the end of the show. But then, Emily and Brad exited stage left from this fabricated stage back into the real world. And that is where all the red flags, as Emily described them, started to show up. Emily even cancelled a move to Austin to live closer to Brad because of these red flags. As much as she wanted it to work, the romance that began on the television stage, ended sadly on the stage of life.

So why are we talking about the stage of life versus the stage of television in a series of blogs about the Internet? “The Bachelorette” often and easily gives us a fabricated sense of reality much like the Internet does. When we go online to find love, we enter with the notion that if we find the perfect love online, we have found the perfect love forever in the real world. Yet, this online stage lacks all the intricate interactions, moments, exchanges, pressures, and experiences that only the real world can give us. In essence, much like in the Bachelor and Bachelorette shows, the Internet love affair is really just the first step in a series of steps that a couple must climb on their journey to the final altar of marriage, an altar that can only be found on the stage of life.

In a world where 122 million singles are logging into dating sites each month, there is no question that many will take their online romances to their local church or temple. There are also many who will be woefully surprised that their online love for some reason failed horribly.

So the next time you log into your favorite dating site, remember you are taking just the first step on a long and hopefully lovely journey that a couple must travel before reaching the altar of love and life.

Until next week’s episode, keep in mind the love of your life is more than a screen name or a credit at the end of a show.

See also Hemu’s blog on The Bachelorette, Online Dating, and Hiring Your Next BF/GF.