The Amazing Race: The Buddy System

Last week’s episode of The Amazing Race was quite inspiring and insightful.  Couples were not only working well with each other, a few were even pairing up with other couples.  Even the now infamous fighting and bickering couple, Justin and Jennifer, showed a glimpse of a partnership.  As we watched teams that had decided to pair up with one another, it became rather clear the power of the buddy system.  They encouraged each other, they split tasks, and they moved through challenges quickly and successfully.

And as I watched the power of the buddy system in a high-adrenalin race around the world, it became acutely clear the great impact this buddy system could have on keeping our kids safer online.

Every day, we make sure our kids go places with a buddy.  Whether it’s to the mall or the playground, we insist our kids have a buddy with them at all times.  And yet, when our kids explore the globe and connect with others, we forget to bring this age-old, well proven system into the Internet world, even though the Internet is a true reflection of life as we know it – the good, the bad, and the ugly.

We should ask our kids to find a buddy that they will talk to about what they are doing online, where they are going, who they are chatting with, and most importantly, what might be upsetting or disturbing them.  It is a concept we’ve taught our kids so well, they will embrace it with little or no protest.

The buddy system is a great asset on The Amazing Race and on the amazing Internet.

Alert: Camp Counselor Enters Digital Age

Here's a hypothetical story. Johnny, a shy local boy of about 12, attended a sleep-away camp. His counselor helped Johnny make friends with the other kids, who seemed intimidating to Johnny. Johnny was proud to gain confidence, and his parents were grateful to the counselor for helping Johnny grow.

This would be a great story if it weren't for the fact that after Johnny got back from camp, he started to disengage from his family. He spoke less at the table and was constantly on his laptop or smartphone. After several weeks, the shy, sad kid returned, and no one could get through to him. He even ignored his favorite teachers and the baseball coach he used to admire.

Finally, his parents hacked into his laptop and smartphone and found months of illicit email and chat conversations between Johnny and the counselor. They also found inappropriate pictures and plans for a secret rendezvous. The parents were horrified and immediately got the police and a psychologist involved.

Actually, this is more than a hypothetical. This is based on something that happened to the child of a friend of mine. I helped my friend navigate the complicated aspects of dealing with the police and prosecutors, and the emotional strain on the entire family.

We are left to ask: How on earth could something like this happen? Unfortunately, the answer is simple: access. We adults may remember carefree summers spent at camp with gaggles of new friends and maybe a fun counselor or two. When we left camp, we left camp. Camp counselors had very limited access to campers after camp ended. If a counselor wanted to communicate with a camper, he would have to call his or her home phone or write a letter, both of which would have to go through a parent, reducing the chances of ill-intentioned activity.

But all that has changed in today's ever-connected device-dependent world with social media, IMs, texts, chat and cell and smartphones. (See “Summer's Coming – Be More Than Just a Parent.”)

A counselor can now connect to your child even when your child is in the safe haven of your house. The counselor might suggest they keep in touch so the camper can let him or her know about their school year or the rest of their summer. So, the camper accepts a friend request from the counselor on Facebook or a similar site. They begin to exchange messages, and the counselor starts “grooming” the camper. (See “Trust and the Despicable Art of Grooming.”)

Grooming is a seemingly innocuous process by which an online predator — in this case, the counselor — finds an “in” with the child, slowly coaxing her away from family and friends, claiming to be the only one who really understands her. The counselor might suggest that he has something important to tell the camper and needs to do it by phone or text. Not knowing the danger she is walking into, the camper agrees and gives out her cell. Now the counselor has anytime-anywhere access to the child. It's not a big step to a meeting in person, where irreparable harm can take place.

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Is there a way you could know if this was happening to your child? First, it is important to understand the method by which the counselor can get access to your child and how the grooming process begins. After camp, with your child having more private time and chances for private conversations, watch her actions carefully after camp. See if her behavior changes, especially if she reduces her time with friends and family. If you are concerned that something is happening, it might be time to use monitoring tools like Mobile Watchdog, a service that allows you to read someone's smartphone chat sessions.

To minimize the chance of getting into this position in the first place, before camp or any other away-from-home experience begins, talk to your children about making wise decisions with online and real-ife friends. If they are already in the habit of talking to you about everyone in their lives, extend that conversation into their online lives. Children don't always know they are being groomed, so we need to warn them.

We also need to discriminate when selecting camps. Many camps are now carefully vetting each counselor they hire, perhaps even running background checks against state sex offender registries. Be aware that these checks are limited to the state where the counselor lives, and would-be predators could have perfect records. Ask the camp about their process for selecting counselors. Finally, do your own research about the camp. Use Google and your own network of friends and family to find information. Check out what other parenting sites are saying about the camps you are considering.

Thousands of children have a great time at camp every summer. The keys to ensuring a carefree summer for both you and your child are communication, preparation and vigilance. With these keys in place, camp can be a great and safe experience.

For more info on Hemu’s role as a Web Avenger for ABC News 20/20 new special We Find Them, check out this site, and check out the show’s promo.

What if “The Bachelor” Met Michelle Online?

Last night on the Valentine’s Day episode of “The Bachelor” we all cheered when Michelle was finally let go by Brad (watch the show).  I’m sure we all saw the signs of someone that made us nervous, afraid, and incredibly conscious of the “Fatal Attraction”-esque characteristics that Michelle apparently portrayed.  It was both frustrating and gut-wrenching that we couldn’t just call Brad and run some intervention – stay away, listen to your gut.  And last night, Brad finally did just that.  I’m sure we all collectively sighed and whispered – well, it’s about time he came to his senses.

Or, perhaps, more likely, it was about time he listened to his senses that had been telling him something is wrong all along.

As an online safety expert, I thought about all the challenges many singles, bachelor or bachelorette, face today when trying out online dating.  Despite the fact that we can’t see the person when we meet online – their facial twitches, their eye movements, their smile, their quirks – we continue to have this innate sense of alert that triggers when something just isn’t right.  Brad certainly was able to see all the signs we so diligently observed on the show.

So what do many people do instead?  They still set up a meeting in person, in private, where no one can help them if they call for help.  Check out a recent example here.

And what should we do?

The best defense against a tragic encounter is you.  Every time you plan to meet someone you’ve only met online, think of it as your first meeting ever – keep it public, keep it visible, and make it known to your friends.

Here are some tips to keep in mind –

-If something seems “off” in the online interaction, there’s no reason to meet them in real life, you’re probably right so trust yourself.

-Interact with the person online before you meet them in the physical world to give your instincts a chance to tell you whether to meet or not.

-Don’t give out too much information about yourself before you meet the person face to face, they may not need to know your last name, neighborhood you live in, your gym, or where you work or go to school.

-Good places to meet are well lit areas in good/safe parts of town that are popular- a cafe or restaurant for example.

-You are under no obligation to stay a minimum amount of time with someone who sets off alarm bells- just leave.

Learn more here.

Please, Just Tell Me What To Do!

The once colorful leaves have fallen off the trees; many have even blown away in the wind.  The Family Online Safety Institute’s annual conference that drew more than 450 participants from over 15 countries is a now a series of photographs and video clips lining our memories’ walls.

During the conference, I had the honor of sitting on a panel with leaders of Internet safety task forces from the past 15 years.  We all sat on the front stage holding our task force reports that together contained thousands of pages of information.  As I sat there, I once again realized the sheer volume of insight and knowledge that was in them and I thought of the circle we live in.  Everywhere we experts go, our knowledge goes there with us, gets passed around amongst us, and then we go home better informed, more educated, and more capable than ever before.

I also realized the sheer lack of information that was in the minds of many in our society who are struggling to embrace online safety, security, and privacy, and who are daily giving all of us online safety experts a simple call to action:

“Please, just tell me what to do!”

Now is the time to answer this cry for help that is getting louder with every news story, every tragic event, and every government investigation.

So let’s make it our collective call to action to start telling folks out there what to do.  We can all start by creating a few actions items either from these task force reports or from what we already know.

Here are just a few to get us started:

1. Set aside 30 minutes with your teen to have them show you how to create a Facebook page and then walk through each of the privacy settings with them (yes, each and every one of the settings).  You will both learn what they are, how to use them, and why they matter.

2. Put a question on the top of your teen’s computer screen that gently reminds them of the long term, far reaching, and considerable impact that hitting the ‘send’ or ‘enter’ button on their computer can have: “Would you want to be treated this way?”

3. Put a question at the bottom of your teen’s computer screen that gently reminds them of the permanent nature of information shared online: “Would you want to see this on the front page of the New York Times?”  Once information you choose to post is out there, anyone including college admissions officers and future employers can see it.

4. When your friends come over for dinner, ask them what they are doing about online safety, security, and privacy.  So many of us learn from our friends in every aspect of our lives.  This is no different.

Online safety is full of simple tasks we can all do.  Let’s join together to tell people what they are.